It was a dark and stormy night
by Robert-Da-Hobbit
Summary: Edward began to doze off as he waited for the bus, thinking of Bella. It was hard for him to pursue his dreams of being a rapper with Bella being an exotic dancer in the clubs of Chicago. A compelling, and sad story. Contains adult content.
1. Chapter 1

**Warning**

This fan fiction literally sucks balls. If you don't want to burn your eyes out from reading pure crap, I suggest you close the window right now. If you do decide that you wish to risk your virginity, and eyesight, please understand that the plot, the story, and everything makes no sense at all. And all things are made up. That's why it's called a fan fiction.

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It was a dark and stormy night, and Edward Cullen was walking home from recording his first rap album, featuring T-Pain. His hair was flapping in the wind as he walked down the long, lonesome street of Hollywood, (which is sort of impossible as his hair is short). The distant sounds of booming thunder ringed in his ears as he looked up to the dark, cloudy sky. It was a regular night for him, seeing as he looked pretty much like a kinky goth, but something wasn't right, the vampire thought to himself. So he stood there, looking down the road, waiting for something to happen. What he didn't know, was that the foolishness of sitting there, waiting to be raped by fangirls was going to change his life forever.  
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"WHERE'S MY EDWARD CULLEN ACTION FIGURINE", Screamed the voice from the room.

"But Tyra, they're not out in K-Mart and Toys'R'Us yet!", replied the mysterious figure, in a panicky, my balls are going to get lopped off if I don't reason with her in 5 seconds voice.

"Very well then David, I have a new job for you. I want you to bring me Edward Cullen himself. He still owes me a lap dance…" An evil smile started to appear on the woman's face, which we assume is called Tyra.

"Yes pimpmaster." replied the reluctant David Hasselhoff.

Edward began to doze off as he waited for the bus, thinking of Bella. It was hard for him to pursue his dreams of being a rapper with Bella being an exotic dancer in the clubs of Chicago. How he longed for her lips again, how soft they were, fantasising about her fine body. He slowly began to make out with the air in front of him, violently kissing the nothingness. While he was indecently "screwing" the air, a black sports car started cruising down the road. It stopped right beside the hallucinating vampire, and two men climbed out of the car. One of them was dressed in a burgundy leotard, and a fluorescent yellow skirt, while the other was dressed wore a bright green jumpsuit, and a bright pink miniskirt on the outside. Both of them were extremely built and ripped, and they approached Edward cautiously.

"Well what do we have here", the man in the Leotard commented.

"The vampire is molesting the air!", shouted the other one.

Edward slowly turned around, unaware that he was previously making out with absolutely nothing.

"Huh", the sex deprived vampire added.

"You're coming with us!"

"Who are you people?"

"BAHOHEEEHHOOOOUUURRRRRHEHEHEHEHEHEEEEEEEEETEEHEEEEEBOOOHHOOOHOHOHOHOHOHOOHOHHIHIHIHIHIHIIHHAHHUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHEHHEHHHHHHHH…. Ahem." The man in the leotard laughed, "Who are we? You don't know who we are? We're the famous dynamic duo bounty hunters, David Hasselhoff and Harrison Ford! And this is our trusty vehicle, KIT".

Edward was in deep trouble now. The two fabulously dressed men that stood before him were the greatest bounty hunters across the land, and he was fortunate enough to meet them. His eyes were a glow; he had always wanted their photograph. Edward squealed like a fangirl and jumped for joy and screamed, "I LOVE YOU GUYS, TAKE ME, TAKE ME NOW!"

Both of them pulled out their invisible guns and pointed them at the mislead vampire's head.

"We're here on a job. Our client says you owe her a lap dance. You're going to have to come with us".

Edward's jaw had dropped. The two men that he had looked up to the most had betrayed him, and he was out of options. Edward knew that vampires were weak to invisible guns, and all he could do was panic and cower. He kneeled down, and prayed for a miracle to happen, started to close his eyes and shed one single tear.

Out of no where T-pain came out and kicked the two hunters in the back of the head. They turned around, shocked to see that T-pain, master of all 783 forms of Rap-fu was here.

"Shawty", T-pain greeted them.

God had helped Edward once again, though it was pretty much going to be crushed soon. David slammed Edward into the wall, and held him down, restraining as much as he could.

"You may be faster than the others, but are you stronger?", the Hasselhoff whispered.

Edward looked directly into the bounty hunter's eyes, and replied, "But I'm strong enough to do this!", Edward exclaimed, and kneed the former Baywatch star in the jangles.

As the Hoff dropped down, Edward caught a glimpse of Harrison Ford whipping T-pain.

"NO!" shrieked the vampire.

T-pains' eyes caught his own.

"Run Edward, my training in the ghetto will protect me, go and run back to Bella, and buy her a drink, because she's got apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur, and she's got the whole club looking at her".

Tears were streaming down from his eyes, as Edward sprinted down the street. He made himself look forward, not wanting to feel the pain that he just experienced again. He turned the corner, and ran off into the night.  
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It had just started raining when Tyra Banks looked out of the window. She wondered how her "Eddy-pookins" was doing, seeing how she knew the bounty hunters would deal a fair amount of damage on him to be able to bring him back. Just as she sat down, on the beige leather couch she spotted KIT racing down the charred, dead road. There was no nature, no animals, and no fauna where the Model Queen lived. They were all crushed, due to her vision, of a world where everyone who was deemed _worth _it would use_ Loreal Paris. _Countless animals were raped, molested, and tested on with the new _Loreal Paris, true golden shine_ foundation. The two men climbed out of the jet black sports car, and carried a large khaki bag into the lair.

"Mistress… there's been a problem."

"WHAT PROBLEM, YOU'VE CAPTURED MY EDDY-POOKINS 3333 RIGHT?" Tyra screamed.

The two normally fearless, sexy movie stars whimpered. They knew not to cross Tyra, or she would summon her board of Top Model Judges, consisting of a homo-sexual, a trans-sexual, and a (surprisingly) straight photographer.

"Tyra… we never realised T-pain, master of 783 forms of Rap-fu, trained in the Ghetto arts would interfere. He's the other guy other than Bono who always wears sunglasses in every music video! He's one of the Three Holy Elders of the Council!"

Tyra tried to ignore their pitiful excuses and unzipped the khaki bag. The injured rapper laid there, with duck tape over his mouth, and bruises, spread out over his face.

Tyra bared her perfect teeth, which were seriously, perfect. You could literally tell from 20 metres away that she indeed, flosses after every meal. Tyra whipped out a gleaming meat cleaver and cut the duck tape.

"Shawty… buy you a drank…", the exhausted master managed to say.

"Where is Eddy-pookins?", Tyra asked.

"Dragon warrior… halfway across china by now… you will never see… the dragon scroll again…" murmured T-pain, as he fell unconscious.

Tyra cursed and threw the meat cleaver at the wall. It bounced off and hit the floor, making a clanging sound obviously, but as the angry throwing took place a large figure appeared at the door. It was Po, from Kung-Fu Panda, the movie.

"Looking for this?" Said the obese panda, as he tossed a golden tube, with a lid held together by what looked like a dragon head into the air. He started running back out onto the road, he knew he had to distract the supermodel for as long as he could, or Edward Cullen, the child of the prophecy would never be able to fulfil his destiny.

The supermodel shrieked, and leaped into the air, she pulled out a giant blade, from between her cleavage and chased and faded into darkness. No one dared to walk in on Tyra as she was having a tantrum, and she was pissed off around 3.1415926535 times more than she usually was.  
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Edward finally arrived in Chicago, after running a long, gruesome, gut busting one minute.

"Damn it, I gotta quit smoking", he commented.

He sniffed the air, trying to pick up Bella's scent. His nose twitched, and he looked at the building to the right of him, with a sign saying _"Sunset Strip"._ He knew his love was there, and jumped through the second story window, into the building.

Bella was riding the pole, up and down, doing all these fabulous manoeuvres, such as the upside down reverse cowgirl upwards waterfall swing, and the deluxe sandwich roll endorsed with mustard, as a glass flew into the air. The vampire landed with a roll, and the mist surrounded him, making him look pretty damn sexy. I mean who wouldn't want to be surrounded by mist when they land? All the males zipped up there flies, and ran out of the room, and all the girls climbed up their poles.

All except Bella.

She was all too familiar with this mysterious, sexy atmosphere. She immediately knew it was her sweet honey poo, sexy boyfriend, Edward Cullen.

"Edward!" she screamed with joy.

"Bella?" Replied the delighted goth.

The two ran in slow motion towards each other, while the song _Reunited _was played in the back ground. The two locked there eyes, and smiled brightly, and gave the other a passionate long kiss, lasting around eight seconds. They embraced each other again and stood there.

"Bella… I've just recorded my first rap album, and following the cliché, all the songs are about a girl whom I miss, which is you… so will you marry me?" Edward asked, while flailing his arms like a _rad rapper_

Bella looked into his eyes, lost for words. She gulped and murmured, "Of course I will!"

At this point tears were running down Edward's cheeks once again, and he kissed the naked girl once again.

"Then we'll go tomorrow", exclaimed the vampire, "Pack your bags honey, the Cullens are going to japan!"

As the words came out of his mouth, Bella shat her pants.

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	2. Chapter 2

**Authors Note**

This story… came to me in a dream when I was a small boy. I had always aspired to be a writer when I grew up… so one day I decided to write a fan fiction, and here's the sequel. This fan fiction is dedicated to a special person - India-rose! Also special thanks to the person who made me write this fan fiction John Smith. I love you both.  
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Edwards cry of joy at her acceptance was so loud, so full of joy and happiness that all over earth it could be heard, even if only faintly. However, the sheer volume and direction of the cry of "hoorah!" was so loud that it eventually made its way to a worm hole that shoved it through millions of trillions of light years and down into a tent on the planet Vastaren. Now this was a special tent, as inside were two leaders of long time warring tribes; the 'Took-a-ro'n'n'v'su'gs' and the 'Meershans'. Both had been participating in a long, bloody war that had literally blown up hundreds of suns in an attempt to kill one another, and had finally made peace.

As Edwards voice made its way into the room and "Hoorah!" was heard, the two sides picked up arms and began killing each other again. Strangely enough, the word "Hoorah", in the ancient dialect of_ Jckarmlan,_ meant: 'Go stick your head up in a blorfanian swamp gargoyle's rectum'. Peculiar as it may be, it happened to be the rudest insult possible to throw at the opposition, and once again Vastaren was thrown into turmoil. Many thousands of Vastaren years later, a recording of the unfortunate event that had started the second conflict was be shown of that room to the most amazing hypermathematicians the universe had ever seen, who had used the game commonly used in birthday parties, "_Twister"_ to pinpoint the location of the cry to earth. The message was sent out to the people, to which the 'Took-a-ro'n'n'v'su'gs' and the 'Meershans' both replied. The angered off springs of the fallen war hero's made peace once again, and vowed to destroy the planet of the disgraceful infidel whom had started the war. So after carefully planning out their attack they assembled their most skilled pilots, marines and snipers, creating a space fleet large enough to blot out the entire Milky Way.

Sadly, through a slight miscalculation, the entire fleet was accidentally swallowed by a small poodle named Rex, somewhere in the vicinity of London.

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The shady figure slid down the hill, past the dead, senile trees. It looked left, then right and continued running down the pathway, covered by dead leaves, tangles by the old roots, holding it down from the raging wind which constantly blew in this isolated land. The beast was quite tubby, and his fat slammed down on his waist as he bounced down the hidden road. It was a panda, and the expression on his face was not a happy one. The panda was sweating hard, it was exhausted from running for three whole minutes, but it was nearly at the main road, once he reached it, he would be safe.  
He looked back, searching for something, and when he made sure nothing was there he turned around.

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"Be gentle with me!" screamed T-pain as Harrison Ford pushed the master of all 783 forms of rap-fu onto the floor.

The ex-Indiana Jones movie star snickered, "All your bases are belonging to me now…"

"AHHH, YOU'RE RIPPING ME APART, TAKE IT OUT!!!!!"

Edward woke suddenly. It was just another nightmare he thought to himself.  
**But why was it so real.  
Why did it hurt so much.**

**And how did he manage to wet his bed for the sixth night in a row.**

He missed his mentor, T-Pain, master of all 783 forms of Rap-fu. He was a compassionate man, and always thought about other people's safety before his. Edward cursed under his breath. How he wished that he had stayed and fought, rather that running like the coward he is. He pulled himself out of bed and looked at Bella, whom was sleeping on the bed opposite his. She moaned quietly. It was quite obvious she was having another erotic dream for the sixth night in a row, but Edward resisted taking advantage of her vulnerability. He walked outside, his pipe shrivelled up in the cold night. The breeze blew in his short hair, and his hair didn't move because he had short hair. He walked around, butt naked, not realising it, and looked down on the beach. Waves crashed like thunder onto the sandy shore, the sounds echoed in Edward's mind, he closed his eyes and shed a tear.

"Edward… Edward…"

Edward's ears twitched, he shook his head, thinking he was hallucinating again.

"Edward… Edward…"

Edward looked up. Before him stood the ghost of T-pain.

"Master?? Is that you", the naked vampire asked, running down the beach, tears flowing from his eyes, running down his cheeks.

Sand blew ferociously, making it hard for the vampire to pursue the ghost.

"Young padawan, you must not chase me. Follow your own path. Go to Japan, find Michael Jackson, the other member of the Three Holy Elders of the Council! There he will train you, to become a great pedophile!" Exclaimed the eerie ghost.

"What?" replied Edward.

"Hmm?"

"You said pedophile."

"No… I didn't."

"Yes you did."

A sweat dripped from the ghost's brow, "Well, that no longer matters, but I told you, I didn't say pedophile!"

"You so did!" Accused the naked vampire.

"Okay… just… use the force… and go to Japan…" mumbled the floating pale blue rapper.

"But T-Pain…."

But before Edward could utter a word, T-Pain had disappeared into the night.

Po wiped the sweat off his forehead, and stopped to catch a breath. He looked down at the dusty road, still no sign of vegetation. He looked up and screamed.

"Surprised to see me", said the shadow.

The distraught Panda managed to reply, "Tyra Banks…"

"My powers have doubled the last time we've met!" Exclaimed the African American super model.

"Good… twice the pride, double the fall…" The endangered specie snickered.

Tyra screamed, and jumped into the air, pulling a gleaming sword out from in between her cleavage. She ran at the Panda, looking to catch him off guard, and swung. Po jumped into the air, just dodging the deadly blade, and dropped back to the ground, shaking the dirt road. The vibration made Tyra stumble. Never before has she witnessed such strong flab energy from one being. She finally regained her balance and lunged at the kung fu master fiercely. He caught the tip of the blade in between his middle and index fingers and broke it into pieces. The panda breathed out and looked back at the angry super model.

"I see your skill is as sharp as ever", commented Tyra, "but I too have improved."

She reached in between her tight leather top and put both hands between her cleavage, and pulled out two bazookas. She aimed and fired at the panda. Po jumped into the air once again, but the shock from the impact of the rockets threw him off his balance. Tyra took this perfect opportunity to aim, and fire again. The rockets hit his man boobs, or 'moobs', and exploded. His man boob fat vibrated, and slowly, his whole body. The dark mistress took aim, and fired again. Po was in great pain, the vibration of his fat was making him lose weigh extremely fast, and soon he wouldn't have enough blubber to repel Tyra's onslaught. He had to think fast. He kicked the first rocket away, and took the impact of the second with his hands. His hands were now greatly burned. He lay there. Helpless. Disorientated. Tyra walked over to the injured animal briskly. She placed the weapons back into her cleavage carefully and pulled out a large battle axe, and placed it on the Panda's shoulder.

"So… It is my time." The Panda remarked.

A grim smile appeared on the model's face, "So this is the day, the great Po, dragon warrior, master of the golden army, friend of the furious five meets his end. And what a honourable death for a great warrior, to die in battle, for a lost cause."

"I regret nothing." The calm warrior said.

Po closed his eyes and Tyra lifted the gleaming battle axe. She applied force, and it cut through the air, and just be for it connected with his neck, Po whispered-

"I'm coming Elizabeth…"

Tyra sheathed her battle axe, and returned back to her lair.

In some vague place in Japan Sasuke put on his maid apron and continued dusting Orochimaru's den. His sharingan, an eye technique said to be the gift of gods detected the dust particles on the furniture, and he swiftly eliminated the targets with his chakra duster.

"Sukee-chan!", The voice from the kitchen called, ":Muffins are ready!"

"Hai Orochimaru-sama." Sasuke obediently replied.

He didn't like the nickname, he had to put up with it for the time being. He had to defeat his brother in the cleaning industry.

Many years ago, his brother, Itachi, was a great pest exterminator for the village of Koboha. But on one night, he betrayed his whole clan, and turned into a cross dresser. He had become… A cross dressing maid. Chibi-Sasuke had come home that night, and found his father, with nail polish on his fingers and eye liner on his eyes. His mother, with cologne, and a very sexy leather jacket. Behind them, stood his brother. Sasuke cried with agony, and collapsed. He had always looked up to his brother, but now all that he worshipped had crumbled on him.

"Big brother… why… did you do this?" the boy asked.

"To test my gay power", the grotesque figure replied. "Live, cling on to life, cling onto your gay potential. And when you are strong enough, chase. Chase after me, and challenge me to a hair dressing, fashion design battle. Till then I will be waiting foolish little brother."

Sasuke snapped out of his daydream. He was sweating, and his make up was starting to wash away. He quickly ran back into his room, and reapplied his foundation with _Loreal Paris, true golden shine,_ and ran back downstairs into the kitchen.  
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Back in America, Edward had finished packing his belongings, and climbed into the x-wing. He sat in the cockpit, and Bella climbed into the passenger seat.

"Are you ready?" Edward asked.

"Of course, this will be a fabulous vacation", replied the excited human.

"Okay, I'm starting the engine, this x-wing is sort of old, so it might vibrate a bit, so be sure that you've been to the bathroom before I start," warned the vampire.

"Of course I have!" Bella lied.

Edward started the engine, and Bella pissed her pants.  
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End file.
